You Aren't Failing

I grew up the eldest child of four, in a pretty poor family, in the middle of nowhere South Dakota. In all honesty, I had a pretty rocky childhood, but there was one thing that kept me grounded and motivated: being the best role model I could be for my younger siblings. And for me, that meant going to college, the first in my entire family, and obtaining my bachelor’s degree. And I did just that.

Fast forward 5 years after my high school graduation, and I have an associates and a bachelors degree with several certifications. I completed my lifelong childhood goal, all while building a business and a family. But I felt. So. stuck.

I just had a baby nearly a month ago, and on this maternity leave I have had some time to reflect on the last ten months of my life, in which have flown by at a ridiculous fast rate. I now am the mother of two beautiful children, and while I should feel incredibly accomplished, and happy, I feel lost, and to be completely honest, a bit of a failure.

BUT WHY? I keep asking myself. This inner debate with my own self has been at the least, a little bit self-destructive, which is something I have a habit of doing, and It’s something I have worked very hard over the years to stop, and to commit to self-love. Three weeks after graduation, I found out I was pregnant. And I was so, so happy, and so, so upset. I was to be married in six months, and was in the midst of trying to find my first full-time job. After what feels like a million job applications, resumes, phone interviews and zero job offers, I was crushed. It definitely did not help that I was competing for jobs in a very saturated, highly competitive line of work, for, what I have found, a very limited number of jobs in the area. While, ideally, I could apply for jobs in a bigger city and move to get that dream job, for me that idea was not even something I could entertain, because like I said, I am a mother of two. And the whole time I was going through this job search in my early pregnancy, post-graduation, I had the voice in my head saying, “Who would want to hire someone fresh out of college, who is going to be gone for several weeks marrying and honeymooning AND having a child a short few months later. No one, that’s who.”

And I surely felt like a no one.

But then a short few months later, two months before marrying I finally got a job in my line of work. I felt relieved and, once again, empowered and jumped into the job with all of my knowledge and heart. Until I realized, I absolutely hated what I was doing, and for a multitude of reasons, ended up leaving the position. Again I was lost and angry at myself. I was questioning everything I had gone to school for in the last five years, angry for not choosing a career in a more promising job market. I was angry for putting my family in a financially difficult position by leaving my job, although my husband was very supportive in my need to be happy in life and that everything would be okay.

But most of all, I was angry at myself for failing. And it wasn’t until just a few weeks ago, discussing this all with my wonderfully supportive husband ( so glad I picked him) that I realized I haven’t been failing.

I have been learning.

Learning that some things aren’t meant for me.

If I didn’t get the job, that’s okay because it wasn’t the job for me, and there will be more coming my way.

Learning that it’s okay to take a step back.

If something isn’t right for me, I have the right to choose to stop, and start again new.

Learning how to be a parent again.

For the first time in five years, and not to just one child, but now two!

Learning that, it’s okay to live a little slowly.

The last several years life has been so fast, full of parenting, homework, photo shoots, and hours of working. Its okay that life felt the need to tell me to slow down. Enjoy this pregnancy.

The time with my family.

The time of a slow ticking clock.

Enjoy this very moment.

Learning that these last ten months have not been an example of me failing.

But an example of me growing.

Growing into a better parent and a wife.

Growing my name in the industry of wedding photography, exponentially, with the most amazing clients, whom I am so grateful for.

Growing into the person I need to be.

The kind of person who understands that in all my goals and planning, sometimes life doesn’t go the direction I expect it to. And that’s okay. Because now, I know I am ready, and even more motivated, to get to the place where I feel like I need to be in my career.

So if you too, are having a hard time in life, and feel like you have lost direction, that you are failing, do not worry.

You aren’t failing. You are learning and you are growing. And it may take some time, a lot of time. Hell, some days I still feel a little lost, but now I know I am not.

And soon, you too, will realize that you are exactly where you need to be.